Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
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In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
he chose this
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Stop.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
#MeanwhileinCanada
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.