Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
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Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Phonetics
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Monday
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.