Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
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who wore it better?
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.