Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
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george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
pro parenting tip: reach your weekly fitness goals by giving your Fitbit to your 9yo for an hour.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.