wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
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Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Revenge served cold
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.