Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
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John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’