Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!

Her: really?

Me: nah, you do look tired though.

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

Some early signs you’re growing up:

1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere

“felt cute might delete later lolz”

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec

angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad

if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning

How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?

Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out

Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

cat faces on other animals, a thread

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.

i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this

Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.