Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest

*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*

I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.

My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.

My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?

My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship

So I said I wanted a divorce

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren

Me: Did you use the elevator?

Friend: I took the stairs.

Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

Breaking news:

You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔

Me: I think I saw a murder.

Policeman: Are you positive?

Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.

Policeman: About the murder.

Me: Not really. No.

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.

“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?

Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?

Biden: Trump’s sons were nice

Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day

B: Uday and Qusay?