“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
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Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer