Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
You Might Also Like
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.