Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?

I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.

To: ALL STAFF
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If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do

*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*

STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.

‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’

– Romancing the stoned

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

Barista: Name?

Me: Ursula

Barista: With an E?

Me: no, U

Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”

Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser

“…Actually the position has been filled”

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy