Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.

Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.

My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

13-year-old: I need cool clothes.

Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.

13: That’s the problem

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so

Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”

Swiper (on Tinder): …

[tinder date]

me: oh wow this is awkward

sunset: *just kinda sets there*

me: but i thought you were, you know

sunset: *still setting*

me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh

sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*

Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.