Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
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*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Mom: Hey, suddenly I can see your posts on Twitter now.
Me: Yeah, wow, that was so weird before when you couldn’t.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed