writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
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Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.