Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!

Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

Me: *opening trunk*

Tied up Guy: ope

Me: omg this isn’t my car

Tied up Guy:

Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing

Tied up Guy: happens to everyone

Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry

Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle

Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.

In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.

Me: Hiatus?

Girlfriend: I hate us too.

Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…

…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

*takes my split ends to couples counseling*

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.

Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said