Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?

Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?

We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.

My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.

Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

It’s 6am somewhere!

~Toddlers waking up at 4am.