Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.

[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon

My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-

ME: Launchpad McQuack

HIM: I don’t think you underst-

ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.

Must be doing something wrong.

Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.

Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.

I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*

My family: what’s the occasion?

The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero

i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.