Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.

In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

👾👾👾

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?

Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler

If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga

My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.

you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.