Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …

Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!

Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!

puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality

Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

[date]

HER: Any hobbies?

ME: I collect old comics

HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?

ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure

My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO

OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

Livid.

CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap

[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]

reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.

superman: yes, yes I did.

reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?

superman:

reporter:

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

🦝🔥🦝🔥

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country