Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”

ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking

[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail

panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]

mortician: sir

The enemy of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy, of my enemy is Kevin Bacon

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee

I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.

And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.

Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”

He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater

Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.

Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*

Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet

Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.

To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.

Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…

Be there, will be wild!

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand