Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
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My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
my nickname in college
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
smartest karate player in the world
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Me: This job seems really dangerous!
Him: The last three didn’t think so God rest their souls
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
traveling back in time to proudly inform benjamin franklin that my stove has wifi
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.