Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch

Me: Oh… that’s too bad

10yo: we can just move the couch…

Me: no we can’t!

10yo: yes we can…

Me: the couch is bolted down!

10yo: it’s not…

Me: you don’t know that!

10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.

Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali

Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

Mike is short for Micycle

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.

My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

The government even made aliens boring

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?

Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.

Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man

People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.

Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

[man walks into a bar]

Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!