Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.

Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited

Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?

my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.

Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely

Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?

Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”

She says “Burger King.”

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.

Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!

Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*

Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.

Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.

FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that

LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it

I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”

DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!

Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?

Yeah, me neither.

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?

8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved

[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]

I’m protesting the climate.

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.