Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
My husband just got a new job so he got sent some COBRA forms in the mail.
Husband: We don’t actually need COBRA, though, my health insurance already started.
4yo: YES WE DO NEED A COBRA
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Wizard: [holding a marshmallow on a stick]
Dragon: ok fine but this is the last one
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
