writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
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people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery