writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Things will get butter, keep churning
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
