Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other

Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.

My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*

Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.

If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk

I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?

One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….

[job interview]

That’s all. Have any questions for us?

“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.

I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.

For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.

I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.

The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

I never give second chances, just 45 and then goodbye

accurate

“STOP COPYING ME!”

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt