writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
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Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.