Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
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[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
you’re so productive for your wage
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious