Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
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13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
(grounding my kid) go outside.
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Battery falling down a hole
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now