Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
You Might Also Like
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.