Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
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Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Swedish for common sense.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day