Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.

My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.

But congrats on your pregnancy!

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

[first day as a chiropractor]

assistant: all your patients are complaining

me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it

assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?

My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.

Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?

Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.

Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.

Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.

Me: seriously not a cult.

Dad: what do you call all those people?

Me:

Mom:

Dad:

Me: my followers.

Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain

“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man

[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]

GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry

ME: It’s fine, go on

GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later

There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.