Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”

Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

when she block me on everything

Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:

1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene

Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight

Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

The news in a nutshell.

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

[at work party]

Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?

Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.

There is no “five second rule”…

Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.

my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”

me: “you’ll have to be more specific”

One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.

Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.

Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.

Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.

I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?

Customer: where might I find chicken livers?

Me: on the inside

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?