*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
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A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”
Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said