*writes down password on a random envelope* This should be fine.
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My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
this is the greatest thing ever
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no