*writes down password on a random envelope* This should be fine.
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I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
A family that plays together cheats.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday