@novicefather

*writes employment history on arm

*writes professional references on thigh

*writes email address on neck

*adds “resume” to resume

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@KevinFarzad

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

@NikatNiteNite

My dog barks for 2 reasons:

1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.

@Shade510

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

@illuminatedwndr

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

@daemonic3

[gets pulled over]

me: problem, officer?

cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me

[2hrs 36m later]

me: how was that

cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number

@jaboukie

me: *is guillotined in a whole foods*
cnn: Man Beheaded In Grains Section Has Dark Past Of Illegally Downloading T-Pain Songs In 2007

@WonderMonkey78

Atheists don’t believe in God or the “i before e except after c” rule of spelling.

@audipenny

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this