Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
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“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.