It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
*writes employment history on arm
*writes professional references on thigh
*writes email address on neck
*adds “resume” to resume
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My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
*random dog humps my dog*
Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
me: *is guillotined in a whole foods*
cnn: Man Beheaded In Grains Section Has Dark Past Of Illegally Downloading T-Pain Songs In 2007
*illegally downloads a social life*
Atheists don’t believe in God or the “i before e except after c” rule of spelling.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this