Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?

What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?

One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

A classic example of a cat being a cat.

A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject

Judge: And all the murders you did

Me: There you go again

Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle

If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.

“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?

Her: He’s a paramedic.

Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.

“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”

BRO LMFAO

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

Hamburger Hinderer.