*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
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My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Satan arrived at the gates of Hell to welcome a new arrival.
“Congratulations!” he said. “You wasted your entire pitiful life!”
“Well,” the man replied, “at least I’m not an adult living in my father’s basement.”