My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
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ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
She asked for my name, if I’m alone, had me remove belt/shoes & take out what I have in my pants. Interactions w/TSA agents are underrated.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.