*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

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When a woman asks me how long I can last in bed I tell her it depends on how long someone brings me food and water but probably years.


I’m starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I’ll never ever use one again. I’m so excited about it. Yes.


BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.


Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.


My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.


I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,

but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.


“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby