*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

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Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate


if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel


An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.



ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere


Thanks, motion sensor restroom sinks, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.0000251 seconds anyway


Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition


“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato


You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.


There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.


*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE