*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
You Might Also Like
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I have obtained a hat
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.