Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
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if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Thanks, motion sensor restroom sinks, I only wanted to wash my hands for 0.0000251 seconds anyway
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE