Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”

COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.

Fellow senior citizens:

If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.

You don’t need to push your lifealert button.

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.

Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE

someone just bragged they had two jobs.

this country is so lost.

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”

GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”

Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.

#winning

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it

No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct

My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.

Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.