Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
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I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!