Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

[Orange Juice on tinder]

TINDER: “You have a match!

Orange juice: “Oh great!”

TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”

Orange juice: “Oh no.”

Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.

The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.

Shame, he’s very attractive.

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

Story idea: Man has his palm read, is told he will be killed within a year surrounded by penguins.

Man cancels his upcoming trip to Antarctica, avoids zoos, and then is shot dead at a Batman convention.

A fake ID that makes you younger

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.

*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!

*Gets on Twitter*

*Looks up as ship is sailing off*

My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.