Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
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Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
The devil.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?