*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
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Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Best spot.. 😅
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
