*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
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“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
when you order from DoorDastardly
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Drive like no one is watching.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Need WebMD
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden