*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
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Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
