*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
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The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Merry Christmas
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
the zen of frog
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.