*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
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When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
making my dog give me my pills
how long have you had this for?
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store