Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

I am yelling

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.

Me: Here’s half my income.

Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.

I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.

Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree

[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense

Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?

~people

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.

When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter

I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’

On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂

Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok

I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it

you: let’s get this bread

j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.

[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip

Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!

-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse

Schrödinger’s cookie

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.

How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?