Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts

*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*

Me: why do I keep doing this, lol

*opens twitter*

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that

me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad

Drive-thru: Dressing?

Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car

I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon

Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?

fr

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly

Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”