[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
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I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Wolves should really raise more people.