[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
You Might Also Like
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.