[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
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My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
whenever i wake up before my alarm
his wife is probably gonna see that
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”