@NicestHippo

*writes “with my squad” under a picture of me and several cats”

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@ambermruffin

Now that the Statue of Liberty is dark, there’s no way they’re letting her into the U.S.

@LostFelicia

Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.

@shariv67

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

@adamlucidi

You’re following a man who once stole someone’s garbage can lid and used it as an umbrella. That’s on you.

@markleggett

1- Buy a big padlock.
2- Throw the key into the ocean.
3- Find a stranger with stretched-out earlobes.
4- Attach padlock to earlobe.
5- Run.

@thenatewolf

ME: If only there was an instrument that sounded like a really sassy duck.

CLARINET PLAYER: [excitedly moistening his reed] Buckle up baby.

@LizHackett

You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.

@LurkAtHomeMom

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

@zachreinert03

Did you guys know on average 3 confused cannibals get punched in the face a year because they say yes to wanting a knuckle sandwich

@steveolivas

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.