*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
*writes “with my squad” under a picture of me and several cats”
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me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
me: shit she knows
The obvious way to smuggle drugs past a drug sniffing dog would be to hide it in another dog’s ass.
“Make it two if you count my great personality – three if we include my charm! Hahahahaha oh um yes it’s a table for one.”
“Blow on this.”
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
My neighbor introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife to him as the lesser of two evils.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.