@NicestHippo

*writes “with my squad” under a picture of me and several cats”

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@chrisrockozfan

Most people don’t realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

@juneohara65

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

@girlontapas

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

@fro_vo

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

@SwirlySkittles

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

@KalvinMacleod

Dave is coming over.
Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?
Outside: THIS RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING.

@sarcasticmommy4

If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.

@fivethirtyeight

Becoming hard to tell difference between credible news organizations like 4chan and troll sites like New York Post.

@FlyJ_

*sniffs glue

glue: I have a boyfriend

@AndyAsAdjective

“how’d your football team football today?”

those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’