Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
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You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.