Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
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If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.