Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.

Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

card machine: insert chip card into reader

me: ok

card machine: do NOT remove card

me: uhh ok i wo-

card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?

them: you don’t work here

me: i know it was really tough getting past security

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better

I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

god: rabbits

angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing

god: ya they do that

angel: they’re multiplying

god: they’ll slow down

angel: they aren’t slowing down

god: holy shit

angel: they won’t stOP FU

[ next day ]

god: porcupines

kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.

The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture

The picture:

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.