Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
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Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Just grow your own
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]: