Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

interviewer: why do you want to work here?

me: to be able to afford food

interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job

me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?

YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled

*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money

just having fun

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

She is very cute, has great energy! 😂

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

😩😩😩

Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.

Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?

Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?

niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit

Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered