*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
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JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Generation gap…
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
