*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
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“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.