-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
You Might Also Like
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I remember when the only divisive issue in America was whether you were team werewolf guy or team vampire guy. The rhetoric got pretty heated.
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
Me: I should eat fewer carbs this year
The Universe: Your house is made of gingerbread now.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.