-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
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Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.