-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
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* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half